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Like, his entrance was totally rude, but wow, with those looks I can forgive him. But, like, what's the deal with the war-paint? <Private Cam> Tucker: This 'Bass' guy is a little weird, I think. It's one thing to wear black clothes, but black armor? And what's with the eye-shadow or whatever the hell that is? He gives me the creeps, man. But hey, whatever works for him. If he wants to be some sort of Goth, that's cool. I'm more of a Jock myself. <Private Cam> Jen: Bass' entrance was a little rude, and he destroyed our front door... He looks a little strange, but I m not going to make a snap judgment. <Private Cam> Kyle: God, Tucker is so handsome that he makes me sweat just looking at him, and then this Bass fellow... Wow, I'm in heaven, I think. I swear, I have to have one of them before this is all over... <Private Cam> Lisa: I saw Bass, and I was just like "Oh my god, what the hell kind of clothes are those?" He has no fashion sense, and I can tell right now that he's not in the same class as me. <Private Cam> Bass: After meeting these fuckwits and listening in on their stupid private cam sessions, I now give myself three days, max. Kyle will die within the next five minutes if he looks at me one more fucking time. The roomies all go select their beds, and then congregate in the living room, where Tina and Jen are trying to get everyone to open up about themselves. Bass sits away from the group, reading through a stack of books brought with him, including Building Your Own Nuclear Device and Chemistry and You: A Guide to Making Your Own Acids and Explosives. After a few minutes of everyone but Bass talking, Jen decides to try and get him to speak. Jen: Bass, don't you have anything to share with us? I mean, we're alCHNKWKS xøvTEXTTEXT€WFDPPFDPPZFDPPFDPP\FDPPFDPP^FDPPFDPP`FDPCFDPCbFDPCFDPCdFDPCFDPCfFDPCFDPChFDPCFDPCjSTSHSTSHlSTSHSTSHl2SYIDSYIDPlSGP SGP dlINK INK hlBTEPPLC ll0BTECPLC œl8FONTFONTÔl\STRSPLC 0m:ng to wear bMTV's The Real Galaxy Cast Tucker Kyle Jen Tina Bass Lisa Episode I Meet the Cast As the camera zooms out to show a lovely two-story home, a hover-car pulls up in front of the house and drops a young man off with luggage. The camera zooms in to show him unlocking the door, stepping inside, and looking around. ???: Looks like I'm the first one here! <Private Cam> ???: My name is Tucker, and it looks like I'm the first member of the crew to arrive... My goal for this show is to have a good time and get laid by some hot chicks. I just hope all the other roomies are as cool as me. A half hour passes, and another hover-car pulls up and drops off another person, a female Twi'lek, who proceeds to enter the house. Scene of Tucker greeting the new arrival while drooling. <Private Cam> ???: My name is Tina, and I think I'm the second person here, and like, oh my God, Tucker is a hottie. God, I hope all the guys are this cute... <Private Cam> Tucker: Tina is a babe. I can't wait to get in her panties. More idiots arrive, more shallow thoughts admitted on Private Cam, etc. We find out Kyle is a queer, Jen is halfway intelligent, and Lisa is a stuck-up bitch. One final hover-car pulls up, and out steps a young man clad in what appears to be black armor, with what looks like purple war-paint under his eyes. The new arrival brutally kicks open the door to the house, shattering it in the process. ???: I'm home, bitches! The other "roomies" all come out to cheerfully greet the new arrival, despite his crude language and destruction of the front door. <Private Cam> ???: My name is Bass, and my goal for this show is to see exactly how long I can make it before I snap and kill every last one of these stupid fuckers. I give myself one week, tops. <Private Cam> Tinal roomies now. Bass looks up from his current book, Galaxy's Greatest Torture Methods, and looks around at the group. Bass: I'll kill you all. Bass goes back to reading his book as the group sits and blinks stupidly. Jen: Uh... Okay... I meant for you to share something a little more informative, like... Well, do you speak any other languages? Bass sighs and closes his book. Bass: I speak every major language in the galaxy, as well as many of the more minor languages. Tina: Wow! I speak Basic and my native language myself, but that's all. I love a man that can speak multiple languages. It's just soo sexy! Tucker: Hey, I can speak Bocche... Bass, speaking Rodese: Chr'ehr'rte rghiqg uwe'a. <Subtitles: I hate you all.> Tina: Wow! What did you just say to us? Are you commenting on how cute I am? Bass, speaking Sullustian: Hrahfda glubmefah tio. <You're a vapid little slut.> Kyle: Gosh, I wish I knew more languages. Bass, speaking Ithorian: Uch-na che'ko sa-nama-di feso. <You're a goddamned homo.> Tina: Wow, Bass, you're intelligent and sexy! Bass, speaking Doshan: Ska'shalta vk'mthr k'matha shin'lo'tha ti fah sut-nuklik sri-ka nah ti sik nes-ta anda sho k na ti nosh. <I'm going to shove a live piranha up your cunt, you stupid little whore.> After almost three hours of exhaustive  getting-to-know-each-other crap, Kyle pulls out a Monopoly board. Bass eye twitches as the group gathers around for a  rousing game of Monopoly. After much whining from the girls, Bass tosses a coin to choose between killing them, or joining the game just to shut them up. He curses loudly and vehemently as the coin leads heads-up. After five minutes of swearing, Bass resigns himself to a seat around the board. Kyle: What piece do you want, Bass? I m the cute little doggie! Bass pulls out a dagger and stabs it into the board. Bass: That s what piece I m going to be. No one dares argue the point with him. After playing the game for twenty minutes, it becomes obvious that Bass is a poor manager of money, as he is completely broke and owns nothing. He lands on Alderaan Place, which is owned by Jen. Bass grabs his dagger and turns towards Lisa, the banker. Lisa: What are you doing? Bass: What the fuck does it look like? I m robbing the bank. Give me the fuckin cash, bitch! Lisa: You can t just rob the bank! Bass: Shut the fuck up, and give me the money before I cut your goddamned eyes out and use them as dice! Shocked, Lisa hands Bass all the money in the bank. Bass then proceeds to give Jen the five hundred credits he owes her for landing on her space, cursing as he hands over the money. The game continues, and Bass finally acquires some property of his own. Kyle has the misfortune of landing his dog on Bass property the very next turn. Wordlessly, Bass takes his dagger, and stabs down hard on the little metal dog, breaking it in half and shoving the knife all the way through board and table, up to the hilt. Jen: Bass, what was that for?! Bass: The fucker was trespassing! Kyle is crying over the loss of his dog, as Bass proceeds to reach over and steal every credit Kyle has. Jen: Bass! You re looting him! Bass: Yeah, I m looting the body, so fuckin what? It s not like he needs it anymore; the fucker s dead! Jen gives up arguing as Bass retrieves his dagger. Kyle is still crying. The game goes on for another six minutes, when Tucker rolls and begins to move his piece, the hover-car. He moves four spaces and realizes that the fifth space, the one he is supposed to land on, is Bass s property. He glances to the side and notices Bass holding the dagger and watching the board intently. Tucker promptly moves his piece to jail rather than Bass spot. Jen: Tucker, what are you doing? You re supposed to go to Yavin Lane! Tucker: Uh, I was speeding. Cops pulled me over and took me to jail. Jen looks over at Bass, and realizes why Tucker chose to go to jail when she sees the manic gleam in Bass eyes. The game continues like this for another twenty minutes, before Bass is declared the winner. Jen puts the game away as the others go prepare for bed. Kyle is still holding the remains of his dog and crying. Morning comes, and finds all the roomies eating breakfast...save for Bass. Lisa: Where's that psychopath, Bass? Tucker, with a mouthful of food: His bed was empty when I woke up. I don't know where he is. The group continues to converse over breakfast, until a crashing sound is heard from another room. Bass comes strolling into the dining room. Bass: I'm back, asshats! Lisa: Ugh! Did you really have to smash the back door, too? Bass: Yeah, I did. Now shut the fuck up before I rip your spleen out and beat you to death with it, whore. Shocked, Lisa stops speaking. It is then that Tucker notices Bass is holding a bag with a red-bellied fish in it. Tucker: Hey man, what's with the fish? Bass: I have a promise to keep. Now mind your own goddamned business! Tucker: Okay, cool. Bass, being uncharacteristically nice: Oh, Tina, dear, will you come upstairs with me, please? Bass heads up the stairs to his room. After a second, his request finally registers in Tina's brain, and giggling idiotically, she leaves the table and follows him up the stairs. The rest of the group sits in a stunned silence for a few moments over what has transpired. Finally, Tucker speaks up. Tucker: Whoa! Bass is about to get laid! Jen: Now, now, let's not jump to conclusions... Loud female screams are heard coming from upstairs, mixed with maniacal laughter. Tucker, shouting: You the man, Bass! Kyle: Wow, listen to her... Bass must be huge! Lisa, disgusted: Shut up, you pigs! Ugh! That is so gross! After a couple of minutes, the screams come to an end. The laughter continues for a few additional seconds. The group sits at the table, quiet once more. Through the window behind them, a large object, wrapped in a red-stained white bed sheet falls to the ground with a dull thud, apparently having been dropped out a second story window. The group remains oblivious to it. Bass then descends the stairs, holding a dead fish. Tucker: You the man, Bass! Bass: Yes, I heard you the first time... It's not what you think, you idiots. Tucker, laughing: Sure it isn't, man. Jen: So, where's Tina? Asleep? Bass: She left. Emergency phone call, she had to go home. She said she won't be coming back. Lisa: I never heard the phone ring, or saw Tina come back downstairs. Bass, narrowing his eyes dangerously: You calling me a liar, bitch? A nervous silence falls upon the room before Jen interrupts it. Jen: Lisa, Bass has no reason to lie. He's one of us. Maybe he meant the call came on her cell phone upstairs or something. Kyle: Yeah, and there is another set of stairs, you know. Lisa, defeated: You're right. I'm sorry, Bass. Bass shrugs her apology off, and tosses the dead fish onto the table. Bass: I picked up lunch for us, if anyone can cook it. Kyle: I can! I love fish! Bass: Well, there you go, then. Now, if you bastards will excuse me, I have something I need to attend to. Bass exits the room, and the group continues eating. No one notices Bass outside the window, picking up the sheet, taking it into the street, and casually dumping it down manhole. Bass throws back his head, apparently laughing psychotically, but no one hears him. Fade to black, and the closing credits begin to roll. 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